On being “PLUS SIZE”…..

Since I came to Dubai, I have this constant struggle on how I can manage to start losing weight. I was never the girl who accepted her femininity and curves. On the contrary I was the girl who hides in her uniform since I started gaining more weight. It’s crazy enough that even in my social media pictures, I was always wearing my trusty grey & white ensemble. I was constantly blaming any problems I encounter for making me do “stress eating”. Sure, I still have a happy exterior but that’s because I was born with an ironically smiling face. And honestly, based on what I’m experiencing now, even that façade’s slowly fading away. I am more likely to be irritated by simple misunderstandings. I now tend to look for problems so I have an excuse to eat out or binge. The energy that I once have to overcome all obstacles was replaced by guilty pleasures like a hefty dose of chicken wings and large amounts of soda. I don’t get full easily and even though I just ate, my mind is telling me that my body can still hold a couple more scoops of ice cream or a dash more cigarettes.

This kind of problem is now killing my self-esteem. I don’t have the same confidence that I had before in my younger years. I now hide behind the shadows of excuses and reasoning. I don’t have the “YOLO” (You Only Live Once) attitude. Instead, my brain is now consumed with planning on what I will be eating for dinner even though I just finished taking my breakfast.  I am now stuck in this uneasy feeling that I am just wasting my life and not even knowing what lies ahead. That kind of struggle that makes me just want to be at bed the whole day, and just wait for the next day so I can sleep some more.

The struggles of being overweight are sad but true, this constant hatred towards your body and not loving your behind for not being in tune with your front. My legs are so much thinner than a normal curvy girl thus, making my upper body so much heavier that I have trouble walking and the heavier I get, the more strain my ankles had to endure just so I can walk for at least a couples of steps. I wanted to invest on how to gain confidence but having no sense of style makes it harder to accept and embrace my curves. It might be easy for people to tell me to just go ahead and try to lose weight but having no will-power makes it a lot harder to gain faith.

I am writing this not because I want to start losing weight, but to document my journey on being “Plus Size”. I’m still in this bubble of hatred and self loathing. I don’t like how my body Is evolving and that my age is increasing year after year but by writing on how I go about it makes it worth for me to at least reconsider the possibilities of trying to change who I am and to look forward on what my futures lies ahead.