I am blogging this in hopes that for those who are
technically single like me will realize that it is ok for us to take our time. It
might not be traditional but we decided to do it beforehand. So loving our
partner is not bad, we just have to know how to live it without losing
ourselves in the process.
To tell you that I am not confused with my situation is an
understatement. To start off I was actually not mentally and emotionally
prepared to be with him when we decided, but financially it was more practical
as I was literally spending the night at his place almost every day. Eventually
it was more beneficial for us to move in together so that we can both have more
time to each other and that our money can be saved somewhere else. But it was
actually different when both of you are living together, it is like the adjustment and struggles of a brand new married couple that you always see on
TV or read in books but with the added pressure of not knowing if you want to
give yourself emotionally all the way or if you still need to reserve some self
respect. If asked why I felt it? My answer remains constant, “We are still not
married” or in tagalog, “Hindi pa kami kasal”.
It was after 4years into our relationship when I finally
realized one thing, why do I always stress on us getting married? I know
society and our culture assume that because we have been living together for
such a long time that we need to start preparing to have a family. Or that the “You
are not getting any younger” phrase that everyone seems to push in my face. Which, in return made me do things like, changing my attitude to make sure that I
belong to the category of a girl fit to be chosen by society as a typical wife. For years, I
was always trying to think of ways on how to improve myself as a partner so that he will
have the guts to marry me that I forgot my identity on the process. but in time, I have
realized that don’t need to change who I am because at the end, I might just crack
and be uncomfortable. Or that when I go back to my old self, it will be an even
bigger disaster.
I cannot count how many discussions and arguments I have had
with family members, friends, office mates and even strangers (yes, occasionally
I talk to mamang taxi driver when I'm in need for someone to open up to without biased
opinion, believe me when I say that I have actually learned a lot). All of them have different options and POV’s
as to what life is, which made me decide to create my own path on how I want my
life to be. It may not be fitting for others but it made me whole again. It
made me better and made me see that our love, respect and care for each other
is enough……. for now.
I do hope that in time, my life will be as good as what i want it to be. But for now, I am contented with the situation that i currently have. It may not be much, but it is enough. as they say in the movies " Good things come to those who wait... "